R*ck off : The climax

A quick recap

Aaditya, the hero, is ill with STML (Not another Standard Typical Markup Language but Short Term Memory Loss). He remembers only his songs and he now only has 1 mission and vision. 1 vision because his left eye caught cataract. Poor chap. his wife, (did we mention her name?); kept on dating Prem Sharma who had a thick and strange English accent which only he understood. They have planned that the day when Aaditya's yaaddasht (Memory) returns, they will make him sign his will and they will kill him.

The Climax (Thankfully!)

Aaditya remembers things by clicking photographs. Forget everything, remember Ghajini that will make our task easier. One day when his wife is not at home, gone to a cyber cafe to read a famous blog http://shitfortat.blogspot.com, he manages to get out. He read in a newspaper that Indian Idol Auditions are being carried out in a near bye Municipal School. Recession you see. He takes the newspaper cutting and reaches at the venue. At the gate 3 musketeer resembling people are sitting. Arthos, Porthos and Aramis (Jai Ho, The author remembers SM re!). One of them is having long hair and holding a guitar. He is using the hole in the guitar to put the money he is begging. Similarly, another one holds upside turned drum to do the same. Aaditya ignores the two. And starts to move forward towards the main gate of the school. Suddenly her hears, the third one, looks like a Anglo Indian sort of person. Coughing, too much Heroin and marijuana case it seems. He finds him singing, “Darshaan do Ghanshyaam…!” Achaanak, with all due respect to Ekta Kapoor’s school of thought, he utters, “teri maa ki” and grabs his forehead and finally loses his balance and falls in his lap. When he falls, his head bounces off the drum and then he falls face first on the guitar.
3 hours later. Aaditya wakes up. He is surrounded by 3 musketeer looking men. Without even giving out a WTF, he says without even stammering, “Rachel, Monika and” sees his orange shirt, “Mirindaaaah.. eeeeehhhhhh…. Phoebe!” (thank god stammering is back!). The 3 utter in unison, “wwwwwoooww.. Aaditya, tu humein mil hi gaya!”. Anglo Indian man says, “Nikaal mere paise.. saaley, 3 Rupees 45 paise baaki hai tereko dene..” Long haired with Guitar calms down him. “Man, this is not the time to talk about money. We have met our best Friend back after so many years.”

Jaldi se kahaani ko 2 saal aage bhada dete hain. All is set. Whenever Aaditya’s wife goes out to see Prem, the trio and Aaditya rehearse in his house as they have finally registered their names for a Old School Rock Competition meant for people who have grown old. They also get to know that Prem and Aaditya’s wife have bought tickets for that show. Corner wali seat coz they know old people ka show old people hi dekhne aayenge. He shows still being affected with memory loss to his wife taaki kisi ko koi shaq na ho obviously!

D-Day

Stage is set. Lights, Camera, Pogo!

Few groups come and perform. No one even claps! Our cheap couple has no interest in any music and they are busy in doing stuff which people do at corner seats. Suddenly our rock band, TRAGIK arrives. Aaditya is the main vocalist. He grabs the mic and sneezes. His wife obviously knows about how he sneezes so she gets startled by the familiar noise. She says to Prem that she has heard about this sneeze. Prem ignores them and keeps doing what every one wishes to do. The performance is a super duper hit. Stage gets filled with roses, coins and bikinis. [sorry but some stuff if these kind is must for a cheap Bloggie]. They win by a huge margin. Suddenly a gun also finds its way to the stage. Aaditya picks it up. He has seen the 2 doing mushy things. He reaches there.

Aaditya: “Ehhh. Huh hmm.. excuse me…”
Wife: ohh! N.o. OMFG.. is is is that u u u u u Aaditya??
Aaditya: abbey I am supposed to stammer, you bloody bi^&#@!
Prem: ohh man, you have a gun… please reham, You know we have eaten your salt when you were ill.
Aaditya: toh ab goli khaa!

He checks the pistol. It has only 1 bullet in it. He thinks about which one to kill.
Wife? Prem? Wife? Prem?

He decides. He presses the trigger.

The End…!

**ck off- 2 !!!

This post is a sequel to the previous post

“Saala abhi tak kyun nahi aaya?” his wife wonders as she sits on the bed with a string in her hand. The string was attached to a bucket full of water which was strategically placed on the entrance door, so that only water would fall on the person who enters.

Meanwhile our hero dragged himself to come back after being thrown out of the rock concert where he saw his wife and padosi munda Prem going hand in hand.

3 am. He pushes the door open. “Excuse me madam ji.. kho…ho..ho..ho… please open” he yelled. “Aji, sunte ho!” she screams back and jerkes the string.

The water along with the metal bucket fells on Aditya’s head. He faints.

“Hai rabba!” she screams, “Yeh maine kya kar daala! Yeh dekhne se pehle aasmaan phat kyu nahi gaya, zameen mujhe nikal kyu nai gayi.. Or is it the other way round? Who cares!”

She drags him onto a sofa and runs to the puja room. Aaditya wakes up after one hour, to the deafening sounds of the ghanti being rung and a prayer being screamed out and a rotten leather shoe hanging over his nose.

“Abbe oye, bandh karo yeh atyachaar. .. Bol bol why did u ditch me.. jindagi bhi lele yaar kill me”

His wife comes into the room, ringing the ghanti and rotating the aarti thali clockwise and anti clockwise in front of his face.

“Abbe, tum kaun ho?” he drawls. “Tu hai meri kiran…tu hai meri kiran…”
“Mai kiran nahi hu!! Haaye rabba yeh kiran kaun hai??? Yeh kya hogaya isko? Gaane pe gaane, dialogues pe dialogues? Abhi daaktar saab ko phone lagati hun…Hai Rabb!” his wife sobs as she dials the doctor’s number. She looks at the door, waiting for Doctor Sharma to come.

“K.. k…kiska hai yeh tumko, intezaar, main hoo naa…” Aditya keeps singing. “Chalo…bedroom mei…Mood hai kya? *Pun intended. Muhuhahaha…”* he pulls her hand to the bedroom.

“Nahiiiii….” She cries and suddenly with 3 camera movements, the door is flung open. Here comes Doctor Sharma ,Prem Sharma (too much Bond movies!), the neighborhood rockstar.

He examines him and says, “He’s lost his memory. He doesn’t remember anything except the songs from his previous movies. Ab ise dawa ki nahi dua ki jarurat hai… badhai ho.. he is almost no more.. divorce him and lets do balle balle”

His wife faints. She recovers, muttering, “Yeh sab meri galti hai..meri galti hai… Jab tak yeh jaaydaad pe sign karne laayak nahi hota. We can’t marry,dear!”

Aditya is not allowed to move outside till his memory improves. His wife decides to keep a fast till he recovers. Prem Sharma has been evacuated from her life, permanently.

To be continued...

R*ck Off

Dark alley. Spiders hanging from the ceiling. Squeaking sounds was coming from the holes in the wall. He kept on walking towards the darker part. At the end of the tunnel he was in, he saw a familiar room. With fungus and yeast sticking to the wall, in addition to the beautiful ecosystem and life’s presence, he felt home. It was the all familiar green room. Literally green because of the fungus mind you! A broken window allowed some light to peep in. As he pushed the door and entered, he saw himself in the broken mirror. What he saw was not something he had wished for. He saw a kiss mark on his forehead. Ehhhhhh... He shrieked in his usual tone. He came closer to the mirror. He tried to clean the mirror to see his dubious mark clearly. He pulled out his hanky from his pocket. He cleaned up the mirror. As he was doing that, he noticed that there was something scribbled on the hanky. It was garbled, he couldn’t make out. He tried to concentrate. It was 3 letters with a kiss mark, same as his forehead. It said... “K. Jo.”

“Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”, Shahrukh woke up. He was panting. Without even blinking he glanced toward the other person sharing the bed with him. He thought it would be his wife but he still removed the blanket to make sure. It wasn’t her. It was his chuddie buddy. Karan.

“Ehhh kkkkarran… what are you doing here.. huh? Ehh huh? Why... ehhh?”. Karan smiled. Sharukh was already panting stood up and declared, “I have got an idea. It’s been a long time we made a hit movie together.” Karan interrupted, “Oyeee, We just made one!” Shahrukh said, “Not this kind. I just had a vision. We shall make a movie based on rock music. I just want to cast 3-4 people and we shall make a low budget movie. Of course you will direct and produce. And I will be called Aditya in it. Naam toh suna hi hoga!”

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Dharmaaaa Production Present
A Green Chilli Film
Rock Off
(A Shit-For-Tat Blogie*)
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Aditya is a common man working in a particular state’s (whose name can’t be disclosed) Electricity Board. He may look like a lean, dull boring looking man with less hair and wrinkles all over his face. He feels that his life is as exciting as a Baseball player in East Timor. But he has a passion. A passion for singing which got subsided because of parivar ki jimmedari and all that and because of some reasons which will be disclosed later. In spite his dull features, he has a super hot wife. (Damn! says the author). The looks of his wife can’t be depicted on this blog because it has got some female moderators and readers. Shh back to Bloggie. Aditya is also very worried because of the growing meetings of his wife with a neighborhood rockstar named Prem(height: 5 ft 10 inch. Heavy non understandable accent of English. Takes his shirt off randomly). Aditya’s life is very boring.

One day he was coming from his daftar to his home and suddenly the tire of the bus bursts. Thankfully it isn’t a blast. Just a usual puncture. Yes, what if the movies don’t show any reality. We at Shit 4 Tat are as real as green Martians. He utters, “Kkkkya yaar.. huh! Eehhhh huh!” As a result he has to walk back home. As he walks down he sees his wife and the Macho man the rockstar going towards a certain side of the road. He grabs a autowalla and says, “Bhaiyya, inka peecha karo. Huh ehhh huh!” The Autowalla is veteran whose mere size and looks make Aditya say... “huh Ohh ohh Okkkk…. Huh huh!” He just decides to follow them on foot. He runs and finds that those 2 culprits were entering a big rock show. He tries to get in but the guards there stop him to do so. “Bring tickets you moron!” they growl at him. “Damn! ehhh!” he says.

This moment in his life makes him realize that being old looking and acting boring certainly has some disadvantages. He decides that there is only one way to get back to his old golden days and his wife.

Rocking On again.....

To be continued...

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*Note: We have lawyer on our blog's moderator list. Beware pirates. Yeh new word Bloggie note karke patent kiya jaaye meelord!