Monday, September 13, 2010

Going Up?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Unless you are Robert Langdon you can relate to this post. We all travel in Elevators aka Lifts, don’t we? Not only because we are lethargic to climb those boring stairs. Stairs? Naah. I am going to gym anyways or I walk 3 KMs daily to catch bus or Ooh… I am wearing high heels, how will I be able to use stairs re! But also because some of us might be afraid of using the Escalators. }:-P so when you step into usually 4 by 4 or slightly bigger Elevators you step into a strange world. You are inside a metal cube which is absoluckingfutely small and suspended with just a group of metal strings and you just hope that electricity doesn’t ditch you while you are in there. For a minute or so, you are stuck with complete strangers. You don’t know whether to smile there or not. You cannot know whether you should laugh there or not? Even if you’ve just cracked the most hilarious non-veg joke outside the elevator, you try to curb your laughter but sometimes it spurts out by itself and rest of the junta gets confused instantly as if they were wearing leaves instead of proper clothes. So here are we presenting some insight into the Escalator world and people using it. You must have experienced it unless you are a Claustrophobic.

1.       The Corporate Kind

These are usually the men in age group 35-55 and their face clearly suggests that they are bearing frustrations of work, inability to impress their young secretary, kids who do not listen to a word and tolerating a wife whose weight and demands are increasing faster than the number of the findings of fixed cricket matches. They carry the usual rotting pink color newspaper and a very serious expression as if they fill the highest Income Tax in the world and have just lost a million dollars in Share Markets. You even stare them and they are going to eat you up starting from your eyes without even burping. “You saw me? How dare you even look at me? Do I look like KFC Chicken Wings? Watch your eyes you jerk or I am going to take your tongue out of the lift on ground floor and take the lift to 14th with your tongue still licking the air on ground floor.” They keep themselves busy talking on cell phone or drowning into their Blackberrys.

2.       The Insecure Abla Naari

If you happen to be a girl entering a lift full of males, you ought to be little cautious. Of course, unless you feel very elated when someone asks you, ‘Hor, kii haal hai?’ usually, when you are stuck with males of all shapes and sizes, eyes all over your built, you have to be nervous. Even a guy can feel nervous if he is stuck between Oblique crowd, isn’t it? From a guy’s point of view, when you enter the lift and saw your sapno-ki-rani standing there, how can you not look at her? You have to inhale lot of air to get your tummy in, act as sophisticated as possible and look busy in reading the safety precautions there*. You try to look into her eyes and suddenly take your glance away. Khekhe. Now if you are that nervous girl, which we left stranded few lines ago and got drifted into Bhavnaas, let’s discuss her. She pretends that she has worn a short top/shirt which she tries to stretch downwards as if it’s elastic. She will try to look very busy and will keep on putting the strand of hair behind her ears which keeps falling on account of gravity. Even if you ask her time, her body shivers and trembles as if you have asked for her figure. Bahin, time hi poocha hai, calm down.

3.       The Peep-king Tom

Now this is the favorite. Everyone hates him. Him mostly. He is super duper interested to read the SMS you just received as if it’s his will. He wants to learn your name from your ID card so that he can name his kids the same and your ID Number is his lucky number somehow. The name of your company is as important to him as if these are the last words he wants to say when he dies instead of a ‘ilaha il allah wa mohammad rasul allah’ (there is only one god (allah) he will say Microsoft ahhh… Dead.  He wants to see every minute detail of all the assets he comes across. And they may range from any to any kind. He wants to start a conversation with any humanly-looking-figure so that even 30 seconds don’t go for a waste. ‘Oh you live there, oh I live here. Have you seen Dabangg? Oh look at the ceiling. Oh I killed a mosquito in the morning. Mosquito se yaad aaya, aajkal Dengue bahut fail raha hai, nahi? Bhains ki taang! Taang se yaad aaya, have you seen Lady Gaga? Oot-Pa-Taang.’ He keeps on staring at you, irrespective of your sex, till the point when you have to shake a little to make him realize that you are not a poster. He is not a pervert but the elevator’s ambience makes him do so. Creepy.

4.       The Notorious Kind

Then there are people of our kind. They cannot stop giggling in the lift. They try to hide their ever so smiling face with brilliant yellow teeth but they have to laugh without any joke so they will laugh out loud eventually. They find it alien to press all the strange looking buttons inside the elevator. They love to press the emergency button just to see how the alarm sounds like. They have to by heart the Safety Precautions* so they just recite them loudly. If by chance there exists a Mirror in the lift, they have to do all their make-up there itself.  If they are 2-3 in number, and because of dense population inside, have to find a place in opposite corners, they have to talk/whisper/signal the most important thing in life to each other without fail.

5.       The ‘Who dunnit Club’

AKA eeks kind, these folks have not taken a bath since last Holi. They have stopped using Deodorants when they saw the word inflammable on the pack. They stopped using a handkerchief because someone told them that the hankies are for the guys who wear panties. They have to have Mooli-K-Paranthe or raw Radish in their breakfasts or else they will die. So they have to do part away with the fart. Shit. Yes it is the same. And what better place than the Elevator with a small shiny and invisible exhaust fan to let it go. They can even do it without the sound. Bah, not discussing it any further.

*Safety Precautions: replace the world Elevator with Girlfriend and try to read the precautions next time you enter a lift. For instance, there is a line: Do not overload the Elevator beyond its limit. Keep going up and down folks!

Image Courtesy:
Agency: JWT Brazil
Creative Director: Ricardo Chester/ Roberto Fernandes
Art Director: Silvio Medeiros
Copywrither: Thiago Carvalho