I hate my English language being tampered with. But nevertheless, I enjoy the various 'speakos' (like typos, u know. I have a copyright over this word, mind it rascala, be nice to me, I might be your lawyer tomorrow) and 'Englees' getting raped mercilessly. Here are some of the funniest 'speakos' (Btw, slip of the tongue is slip of the mind, those who laugh are very unkind, as my teacher used to say) that have come across me, rather than me coming across them.
1) The (in)famous delicious snakes to eat. 'Super lucky snakes'-- Thus, hangs a banner outside a restaurant. OMG, I'm soooo hungry, I can eat sooo many snakes !!!!!! How about some ladders along with them, eh?
2) My hairs are long and awesome, naa? Yeah, I don't want to cut my hairs. They have grown so long. Hey, even you have lovely hairs. Wowwwww.....
3) Hey, did you know, that there are more sheeps than people in Switzerland..... Sheeps? Ba Ba black sheeps, have you any wools? Yes Sir, Yes Sir, shut the fuck up, bloody fool.
4) Then, he actually hearded me ?!!!?!!? And I wish I had gone deaf before I 'hearded' that....
5) Arre I don't care. Whatevers. *Speechless*.
6) Ya, I alloweded him in my house. You sure aren't alloweded in my house, if you speak like that !!!
7) I went into the question and tried to answering him. Oh, playing hide and seek, naughty boy? Running inside the question, and then seeking the answer...
8) Aur dekhiye, behenji, yeh mast tops hai aapke liye... Okay, you make me your sister firstly, you are excused for that. But listen, brother. I.wear.only.ONE.TOP.
9) Hey hey hey, ek jocks bolu ?? (Translation for us normal human beings: hey hey hey, can I tell you one JOKES)
10) I will be found out for you by tomorrow. Hmm, and I would rather you be 'lost out'today itself.
11) Yeah, the lecturer will be finished in an hour. God, you not only kill English language, but you just killed the lecturer before he finishes his lecture!!!
That's all I have in the stores. Drop in a comment about how your language has got raped. The most awesome and exciting rape gets an award in our next post....
Disclaimer: This post is not intended to target any specific person(s) or any group. It is written in good humour and based on personal experiences of the authoress (yes, all are personal experiences).
We do write for comments and if by any chance you say that you don’t, then save your electricity bill (write in your personal diary which no one will read) and if you mean you don’t write for 100 comments per post you are okay with even 5 nice ones, then well those are comments too. You just can’t ignore the fact either ways.
You get comments, you reply to those comments and we at ‘a-shit-for-tat’ have been observing that since long. Here comes the funny ‘commenter-author’ bantering on almost all the comment section disasters.
THE FIRST ONES
Commenter: – YAY YAY YAY, I am the first one to do.
Author: – So where is your apple ADAM? You did it with EVE right? or you just did it with The Mountain DEW?
THE PDAs (Public Displays of affection)
Commenter:- Awww, so true Baby, Hugs, Kisses, Muah Muah !
Author:- Ohh Gawd! Did you just not read the Post, eh ? It talks about how much I hate all lesbians and wet kisses, you bitch, you don’t read anything properly, I am sure you are not reading this one too *DANCES* \:D/
THE APATHIES
Commenter: – It happens dude, Jus chillax, Take a chill pill ;)
Author:- What happens Dude? I wrote about how badly I want to commit suicide by myself (which is quite obvious coz it would be a homicide otherwise) and you drop down to say “it happens”.
How many times did you die last month, huh ?
THE SYMPATHIES
Commenter:- Ohh dear I hope all the merciless souls rot In hell and suffer big time. Don’t pay heed to anyone, You rock baby and whoever did it with you is presumably the worst motherfu**ing Bastard alive.
Author :– Hey , WTF ! don’t make an issue out of my boy friend not sharing a lollypop with me last night.
THE BOUNCERS/PREACHINGS
Commenter :- He who had his biggest animosity for even the silliest triumphant whispers, did not see the masked –evil-rouge-kind-of –moron sticking to the basics of mortality. That is the club Mate, welcome to the real world. Cheers !
Author:- Sorry ? are you talking about my post ? Talk in Angreezi pleeeeaaajjj :(
THE not-LINKED-to-the-LIST
Commenter:- Ohh wow ! your Boyfriend must have been delighted with the poem, super kool, kudos ^:)^
Author:- Well, I don’t think so. I have a separate poem for him. This one was for my father :|
THE WORST EVER : – well there are basically 10 varieties of such kind and all have more or less these kind of replies in respective order.
Commenter:- i) Nice Post ii)Cool iii)LOL iv) :D v) WOW vi) Good Job Vii)You have been tagged/awarded viii) Blogrolled you ix) awwwx) Hugs >:D<
Author :– i) Thnks ii) I know iii) He He iv) :P v) Thnks vi) I knw vii) Ohh lemme see viii) Good for you ix)*blushes* x) >:D<>
THE WHACKY ANONYMOUS
Commenter(anonymous):– I differ from what a pervert man would say. Actually all of you are the who’s who of human crap. You act like you did not do anything and you are sensitive but you pounce on the other hot gal the very next moment .
Author: – Listen I wrote it out of experience & if you have got the guts, then don’t be anonymous.
Commenter :– you are a pervert.*Period*
Author: – You sound like a female pervert, and you better keep your period to yourself (LOL kidding).
Commenter:- Blergh X-(
Author:- Someone is pissed.
.
.
.
And it goes on till either of them surrender or till he/she blocks the anonymous commenter.
THE OWN STORIES
Commenter:- WOW you know what ? Once upon a time, I was like you and then I went for estivation, but it did not work then I tried out hibernation, Bang ! It worked, I am so glad it worked.
Author: – Yeah ! but this post is about me being Insomniac not about what you did in your last birth in ICE AGE.
P.S :- Well this post is not having any intentions of maligning anyone’s name indirectly or directly and if you ask me where is the genuine comment category ? Then the answer is…right in the comment section of this post… See we are kind to whoever comments here ;)
Aaditya, the hero, is ill with STML (Not another Standard Typical Markup Language but Short Term Memory Loss). He remembers only his songs and he now only has 1 mission and vision. 1 vision because his left eye caught cataract. Poor chap. his wife, (did we mention her name?); kept on dating Prem Sharma who had a thick and strange English accent which only he understood. They have planned that the day when Aaditya's yaaddasht (Memory) returns, they will make him sign his will and they will kill him.
The Climax (Thankfully!)
Aaditya remembers things by clicking photographs. Forget everything, remember Ghajini that will make our task easier. One day when his wife is not at home, gone to a cyber cafe to read a famous blog http://shitfortat.blogspot.com, he manages to get out. He read in a newspaper that Indian Idol Auditions are being carried out in a near bye Municipal School. Recession you see. He takes the newspaper cutting and reaches at the venue. At the gate 3 musketeer resembling people are sitting. Arthos, Porthos and Aramis (Jai Ho, The author remembers SM re!). One of them is having long hair and holding a guitar. He is using the hole in the guitar to put the money he is begging. Similarly, another one holds upside turned drum to do the same. Aaditya ignores the two. And starts to move forward towards the main gate of the school. Suddenly her hears, the third one, looks like a Anglo Indian sort of person. Coughing, too much Heroin and marijuana case it seems. He finds him singing, “Darshaan do Ghanshyaam…!” Achaanak, with all due respect to Ekta Kapoor’s school of thought, he utters, “teri maa ki” and grabs his forehead and finally loses his balance and falls in his lap. When he falls, his head bounces off the drum and then he falls face first on the guitar. 3 hours later. Aaditya wakes up. He is surrounded by 3 musketeer looking men. Without even giving out a WTF, he says without even stammering, “Rachel, Monika and” sees his orange shirt, “Mirindaaaah.. eeeeehhhhhh…. Phoebe!” (thank god stammering is back!). The 3 utter in unison, “wwwwwoooww.. Aaditya, tu humein mil hi gaya!”. Anglo Indian man says, “Nikaal mere paise.. saaley, 3 Rupees 45 paise baaki hai tereko dene..” Long haired with Guitar calms down him. “Man, this is not the time to talk about money. We have met our best Friend back after so many years.”
Jaldi se kahaani ko 2 saal aage bhada dete hain. All is set. Whenever Aaditya’s wife goes out to see Prem, the trio and Aaditya rehearse in his house as they have finally registered their names for a Old School Rock Competition meant for people who have grown old. They also get to know that Prem and Aaditya’s wife have bought tickets for that show. Corner wali seat coz they know old people ka show old people hi dekhne aayenge. He shows still being affected with memory loss to his wife taaki kisi ko koi shaq na ho obviously!
D-Day
Stage is set. Lights, Camera, Pogo!
Few groups come and perform. No one even claps! Our cheap couple has no interest in any music and they are busy in doing stuff which people do at corner seats. Suddenly our rock band, TRAGIK arrives. Aaditya is the main vocalist. He grabs the mic and sneezes. His wife obviously knows about how he sneezes so she gets startled by the familiar noise. She says to Prem that she has heard about this sneeze. Prem ignores them and keeps doing what every one wishes to do. The performance is a super duper hit. Stage gets filled with roses, coins and bikinis. [sorry but some stuff if these kind is must for a cheap Bloggie]. They win by a huge margin. Suddenly a gun also finds its way to the stage. Aaditya picks it up. He has seen the 2 doing mushy things. He reaches there.
Aaditya: “Ehhh. Huh hmm.. excuse me…” Wife: ohh! N.o. OMFG.. is is is that u u u u u Aaditya?? Aaditya: abbey I am supposed to stammer, you bloody bi^&#@! Prem: ohh man, you have a gun… please reham, You know we have eaten your salt when you were ill. Aaditya: toh ab goli khaa!
He checks the pistol. It has only 1 bullet in it. He thinks about which one to kill. Wife? Prem? Wife? Prem?
“Saala abhi tak kyun nahi aaya?” his wife wonders as she sits on the bed with a string in her hand. The string was attached to a bucket full of water which was strategically placed on the entrance door, so that only water would fall on the person who enters.
Meanwhile our hero dragged himself to come back after being thrown out of the rock concert where he saw his wife and padosi munda Prem going hand in hand.
3 am. He pushes the door open. “Excuse me madam ji.. kho…ho..ho..ho… please open” he yelled. “Aji, sunte ho!” she screams back and jerkes the string.
The water along with the metal bucket fells on Aditya’s head. He faints.
“Hai rabba!” she screams, “Yeh maine kya kar daala! Yeh dekhne se pehle aasmaan phat kyu nahi gaya, zameen mujhe nikal kyu nai gayi.. Or is it the other way round? Who cares!”
She drags him onto a sofa and runs to the puja room. Aaditya wakes up after one hour, to the deafening sounds of the ghanti being rung and a prayer being screamed out and a rotten leather shoe hanging over his nose.
“Abbe oye, bandh karo yeh atyachaar. .. Bol bol why did u ditch me.. jindagi bhi lele yaar kill me”
His wife comes into the room, ringing the ghanti and rotating the aarti thali clockwise and anti clockwise in front of his face.
“Abbe, tum kaun ho?” he drawls. “Tu hai meri kiran…tu hai meri kiran…” “Mai kiran nahi hu!! Haaye rabba yeh kiran kaun hai??? Yeh kya hogaya isko? Gaane pe gaane, dialogues pe dialogues? Abhi daaktar saab ko phone lagati hun…Hai Rabb!” his wife sobs as she dials the doctor’s number. She looks at the door, waiting for Doctor Sharma to come.
“K.. k…kiska hai yeh tumko, intezaar, main hoo naa…” Aditya keeps singing. “Chalo…bedroom mei…Mood hai kya? *Pun intended. Muhuhahaha…”* he pulls her hand to the bedroom.
“Nahiiiii….” She cries and suddenly with 3 camera movements, the door is flung open. Here comes Doctor Sharma ,Prem Sharma (too much Bond movies!), the neighborhood rockstar.
He examines him and says, “He’s lost his memory. He doesn’t remember anything except the songs from his previous movies. Ab ise dawa ki nahi dua ki jarurat hai… badhai ho.. he is almost no more.. divorce him and lets do balle balle”
His wife faints. She recovers, muttering, “Yeh sab meri galti hai..meri galti hai… Jab tak yeh jaaydaad pe sign karne laayak nahi hota. We can’t marry,dear!”
Aditya is not allowed to move outside till his memory improves. His wife decides to keep a fast till he recovers. Prem Sharma has been evacuated from her life, permanently.
Posts
