Sunday, February 22, 2009

R*ck Off

Sunday, February 22, 2009
Dark alley. Spiders hanging from the ceiling. Squeaking sounds was coming from the holes in the wall. He kept on walking towards the darker part. At the end of the tunnel he was in, he saw a familiar room. With fungus and yeast sticking to the wall, in addition to the beautiful ecosystem and life’s presence, he felt home. It was the all familiar green room. Literally green because of the fungus mind you! A broken window allowed some light to peep in. As he pushed the door and entered, he saw himself in the broken mirror. What he saw was not something he had wished for. He saw a kiss mark on his forehead. Ehhhhhh... He shrieked in his usual tone. He came closer to the mirror. He tried to clean the mirror to see his dubious mark clearly. He pulled out his hanky from his pocket. He cleaned up the mirror. As he was doing that, he noticed that there was something scribbled on the hanky. It was garbled, he couldn’t make out. He tried to concentrate. It was 3 letters with a kiss mark, same as his forehead. It said... “K. Jo.”

“Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”, Shahrukh woke up. He was panting. Without even blinking he glanced toward the other person sharing the bed with him. He thought it would be his wife but he still removed the blanket to make sure. It wasn’t her. It was his chuddie buddy. Karan.

“Ehhh kkkkarran… what are you doing here.. huh? Ehh huh? Why... ehhh?”. Karan smiled. Sharukh was already panting stood up and declared, “I have got an idea. It’s been a long time we made a hit movie together.” Karan interrupted, “Oyeee, We just made one!” Shahrukh said, “Not this kind. I just had a vision. We shall make a movie based on rock music. I just want to cast 3-4 people and we shall make a low budget movie. Of course you will direct and produce. And I will be called Aditya in it. Naam toh suna hi hoga!”

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Dharmaaaa Production Present
A Green Chilli Film
Rock Off
(A Shit-For-Tat Blogie*)
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Aditya is a common man working in a particular state’s (whose name can’t be disclosed) Electricity Board. He may look like a lean, dull boring looking man with less hair and wrinkles all over his face. He feels that his life is as exciting as a Baseball player in East Timor. But he has a passion. A passion for singing which got subsided because of parivar ki jimmedari and all that and because of some reasons which will be disclosed later. In spite his dull features, he has a super hot wife. (Damn! says the author). The looks of his wife can’t be depicted on this blog because it has got some female moderators and readers. Shh back to Bloggie. Aditya is also very worried because of the growing meetings of his wife with a neighborhood rockstar named Prem(height: 5 ft 10 inch. Heavy non understandable accent of English. Takes his shirt off randomly). Aditya’s life is very boring.

One day he was coming from his daftar to his home and suddenly the tire of the bus bursts. Thankfully it isn’t a blast. Just a usual puncture. Yes, what if the movies don’t show any reality. We at Shit 4 Tat are as real as green Martians. He utters, “Kkkkya yaar.. huh! Eehhhh huh!” As a result he has to walk back home. As he walks down he sees his wife and the Macho man the rockstar going towards a certain side of the road. He grabs a autowalla and says, “Bhaiyya, inka peecha karo. Huh ehhh huh!” The Autowalla is veteran whose mere size and looks make Aditya say... “huh Ohh ohh Okkkk…. Huh huh!” He just decides to follow them on foot. He runs and finds that those 2 culprits were entering a big rock show. He tries to get in but the guards there stop him to do so. “Bring tickets you moron!” they growl at him. “Damn! ehhh!” he says.

This moment in his life makes him realize that being old looking and acting boring certainly has some disadvantages. He decides that there is only one way to get back to his old golden days and his wife.

Rocking On again.....

To be continued...

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*Note: We have lawyer on our blog's moderator list. Beware pirates. Yeh new word Bloggie note karke patent kiya jaaye meelord!

Monday, February 16, 2009

BLOGGERS ON THE MENU --- which one is you ?

Monday, February 16, 2009
Blogspot is densely packed with plethora of yummy and yucckkkkky bloggers and their respective blogs, but just like the way someone raped what William Wordsworth once said in to a toxic version as “the beauty lies in the eyes of a BEER holder” we also have our own assumptions. We are baking the names up and serving you on our ‘a-shit-for- tat’ along with some sarcastic cherry toppings and slapstick float drinks.


THE BREEZERS

These are the simplest bloggers alive and that too in abundance. They would write about all the things they did today/y’day as per their time management. From attending his/her (mostly) ‘calls’ to attending his (mostly)/her ‘nature’s call’. About his (mostly)/her ‘work’ and about his/her (mostly) ‘dates’. They hardly go berserk and violent on any topic unless it’s a terror attack or a female molestation case or some personal bad experiences. In short they are almost non –harmful, just like a BREEZER which has merely 4% alcohol. Their blogs are like personal diaries but the irony is that it’s public. You peep in there, read what’s going on (if you are interested) or you have the option of being reluctant in whatever is happening in some unknown random person’s life and they don’t give a damn about it, that’s why their comments oscillate between 5-25 per post.


THE RUMS

Okay the name should have been ‘THE GUMS’ but it’s not a beverage so a rhyming one would do for the time being errrr WTF (what the fake?)

They are always high about their own life problems. Fiascos, break-ups, bad phases, Examinations, Health problems (yes pregnancy cases too!), trauma’s and severe other possible ways of frustrating themselves and the readers along with it. A few DEV Ds and a huge DEVI Ds are the examples. They are also gender biased most of the times, e.g, a female blogger would curse her ex-

bf even if she has dumped him and the bechara had no fault whatsoever in a poem like this:


He the fuck had no fucking right to fuck me and leave,

I the fuck, will fucking hunt him down & I fucking swear by Eve.”


A male blogger will curse his ex-gf somewhat like this:


So insane and ugly was the fucking bitch,

That I had no other option than to fuck her and ditch.


Gawd !! somebody give them anti-depressants, and ask them to Shut the Fuck up. Anyways they are moody, so analyze your own comments and then write and dare not give any suggestions, else you will be in their F rated versions from the next time onwards.


THE WHISKIES

They write such hi-fi/ sci-fi/ wi-fi poems, short stories and even jokes that sometimes you can’t understand even after turning the pages of your dictionary or even after googling for hours, coz it’s either their made-up words or some very cleverly penned down emotions. for example


“The alacrity of my wit and the euphoria of her sanity made even the curmudgeon go week on the knees and the dearth of insanity started vanishing and thereby tranquility emerged.”


Kisi k baap ko samjh nahi ayega, ki yeh kya bol raha hai.


And the made-up words and hence the sentences which will come up would be something like this.


“The horizonated blissingly pleasure is captionated somewhere in my mind”


These type of bloggers get two types of comments

i) Awesome work dude, nice usage of words and beautifully narrated (Oh really?? You mean you got what he means?)

ii) Cool poem (simplest admiration and the worst comment of all time)


THE MARGARITAS They are phunny and phunky and phoool oph humour. You visit their blogs and smile, giggle, LOL, ROFL and visit again and repeat the previous procedure. They will write even the biggest of their fiascos in a humorous manner. They are the prototypes of Chandler/Barny. Would write about intellectual stuffs in a funny manner and jokes in a serious manner. The irony makes It LOLable. They are smart and know how to tackle an issue, they will insult you publicly and yet you won’t mind it. They are in fact anti-depressants. One of the ‘next to extinct’ species on the blogville.


THE BEERS

They would upload a picture taken/googled and then would write four-five lines on it, sometimes it’s too brilliant and sometimes its cliché, but its always nice coz you get to read small posts and then comment properly. You never misinterpret or get confused. But it’s always difficult to figure out whether they wrote those lines first or they searched that figure first. Either way it’s nice.


THE PINA COLADAS

They are the blend of all the above bloggers, they crib, they abuse, they are sarcastic, they are serious , they are funny. They are so simple yet so complex, they are unpredictable and yet so obvious. Would leave serious impressions. They are the perfect cocktail of all the emotions present in the world so be ready to get shocks/surprises any time from their blogs. They are moody and so their blogs are. Infact the second next to extinct variety on blogville. They would write poems, real life incidents, one liners, jokes, absurd posts but will bring variety. In short they rock and they rock even when they sulk and suck.

Monday, February 9, 2009

A Bullet For My Valentine !

Monday, February 9, 2009
The guy's atyachaar has been wailed by Abhinav and the girl's atyachaar has been screeched by Mads.

HIS PART

V-Day is coming. So are you all ready for it? What have you decided? Will you go to any restaurant, movie, pub*or any par/garden/lawn to do ahem ahem.. *Giggles*

If you happen to hail from this planet and a country called India, then you must have heard about a Song called. “Emosonal Atyachaar.” What? Never heard it? Give us your email address today only and we shall mail it to you right away. Piracy will be banned from tomorrow. Now when you have listened this song you must have understood the deep emotion it touches. The lyrics compliment the awesome voice and the music of the brass bands brings a “Dhuuum-tana-na-na” in one’s ears. The song is mast only because it deals with reality. After a long interval, a song of this nature has broken into our ears. Last song was “Neele gagan k tale, subah k 5 baje…” and more recently, “Aey Ganpat, Chal daaruu laa!”

So the song deals with Emotional atyachaar. The atyachaar aka torture is what a boy feels when he falls into a deep evil in the society called an affair. Keep love out of this affair for the moment and lets discuss this evil system.

Boy likes a girl. Okay fair enough. (In fact congrats for liking a girl. Aajkal k jamaane ka kya bharosa) so without aajo baajo looking, he proposes her. Obviously she says no. first time yes kehde toh ego –ve main nahi chali jayegi? After 4-5 proposals, gifts, treats, she finally says yes. The hard work paid off. Dating starts. Movies. Discos. Gardens[The author feels shy to go any further].

Initial few days are fun. Then the funnier part starts. Boy calls the girl for dinner. She says, “Yaar actually hai na, who meri mummy hai na.. abhi yaar who ill hain. You know, she had fast yesterday. Ate too much today. So she is feeling dizzy. I can’t come. Sorry sweetooo!”. Boy says, “Okay dear… take care of your mother. We shall meet some other day.”

He asks again after a week or so. “Yaar, you know na, exams are coming. Jaaanoo, you know na, I have to beat the topper this time. Saali kalmooohi 0.8% jyada le aayi thii mere se. iss bar toh main uskee laga doongi”.

Boy says, “Abbey main bhi toh padhta hoo. Topper na sahi but I still get a gud %age.” Girl gets angry, “What do you think am I lying? Tu.. haan haan tu jo kal Priya ki bacchi k saath ghoom raha tha mall main who kya ha? Bata bey.. tu bata..” Boy: “Arey, she is just another friend of mine. You are the one for me.” Girl: “Chal chal e shaane, hawa aane de.. samajhti hoo main.” Phone line blasts off.

It’s very tough to be a boy. Yes, the one who always suffers the most. The one who waits for hours to meet but she always arrives at least 40 minutes later. The innocent lamb. Poor chap. Of course, there may be some exceptions but the one who really faces emotional atyachaar is the one and only. A BOY.

* Mr. Pramod Muthalik reads this blog. Commenting on the very first line of this blog requires discretion.




HER PART


Phase 1- Roses smell sweet, they don't have any thorns.


He proposed to me. I thought about it. I asked my 6 girlfriend's opinion. All of us girls had a debate for a week over it.Finally, I agreed to accept his proposal. I introduced him to my girl friends. I noticed whether he looked at any of them for more than 7 seconds or not. Luckily he didn't. If a guy looks at a girl for more than 7 seconds, then he is fantasizing about having sex with her, did you know that?? My boyfriend wasn't sex hungry. Yay!!! I'm the luckiest girl in the world. My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the world.


Phase 2- Tra la la la la. Roses are red, violets are blue. I want to get married only to you.


He got me flowers before every date. I was late by only 1 hour for our date since I couldn't find a light pink nail polish and I had to put on a dark pink nail polish. He didn't say a word about me being late. I got compliments each time I breathed. He held the door for me, pulled a chair for me, paid the bill. He is God. I'm his Goddess. Let no child on this earth be devoid of love and affection.


Phase 3- Ouch! Something pricks!!


1) Chelsea losing the match to Manchester United is not a valid reason for breaking off a date.

2)He did not notice my new nail colour. That means something is definitely wrong. He's seeing someone else!!!!

3)He turned up for a date in shorts and sweatshirt and bathroom slippers and I dress up only for 4 hours non-stop. And he didn't even compliment me.

4)I cry. For hours. For days. He should let me cry and comfort me in a better way instead of saying "Arre yaar rona bandh kar abhi".

5)He doesn't meet my eyes when I ask him if he loves me,and then if he really loves me, and then if he really really really loves me. He tells me that he loves me only 10 times a day.

6)He pulled out a chair for me, and I fell flat on the floor. He was busy staring at a waiter. Maa da laadla bahut bigad gaya!!!

7)He took me only to the disc,movies,dinner,followed by a drive the other day.

And so on so forth. I told the 6 girls about this. We had a debate for 2 weeks over this matter. Then, I heard my friend's cousin's sister's friend's neighbour's dance class had a girl who knew him. A friend told my cousin, who told my sister, who told her friend, who told to one of our mutual friends, who told me, that he was taking up dancing classes and his dance partner was that girl. That was the last straw.


Phase 4- Withered away, my love....


I told him I was dumping him. We could still be friends. We meet daily and he makes a puppy face and sings...


Tauba tera jalwa, tauba tera pyaar....tera emosonal..atyachaar...

Tragedy....Tragedy....

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Dhuuu Nidhi

Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The title's credit goes to Abhinav Bhatt. Dhuu to you, Abhinav.

It's my deer blogger friend Nidhi Mangal's bithday today. She rocks, she stones, she peebles. Typos are waht definse her. She's sweat, cuet, beautifool, lovelee. She is crazee about RD (Thank God, she doesn't make typos while righting his name!!)

I can right a book on Mangal. She has been assigned a zillion nicknames by us. She asks us to dhuuuu and goooo when she's peesed. But we don't gooooo. Instead, we dhuu her back.

Check out her gift from Abhinav, Bhawana, Peter and me and send her a message there and/or comment in this post, if you value your life. No pressure, btw :-D

video

Nidhi, we love you. We will always dhuu and \:D/ you. And dhuu, we will never stop that.